Young Ed Bloom:
Sandra Templeton, I love you and I WILL marry you.


Senior Ed Bloom:
Truth is, I've always been thirsty.


Senior Ed Bloom:
You are in for a surprise.
Will Bloom:
Am I?
Senior Ed Bloom:
Havin' a kid changes everything. There's burping, the midnight feeding, and the changing.
Will Bloom:
You do any of that?
Senior Ed Bloom:
No. But I hear it's terrible. Then you spend years trying to corrupt and mislead this child, fill his head with nonsense, and still it turns out perfectly fine.
Will Bloom:
You think I'm up for it?
Senior Ed Bloom:
You learned from the best.


Senior Ed Bloom:
People needn't worry so much. It's not my time yet. This is not how I go.
Will Bloom:
Really?
Senior Ed Bloom:
Truly. I saw it in the eye.
Will Bloom:
The old lady by the swamp?
Senior Ed Bloom:
She was a *witch*.
Will Bloom:
No, she was old and probably senile.
Senior Ed Bloom:
I saw my death in that eye, and this isn't how it happens.
Will Bloom:
So how does it happen?
Senior Ed Bloom:
Surprise ending. Wouldn't want to ruin it for you.


Senior Ed Bloom:
I don't know if you're aware of this, Josephine, but African parrots, in their native home of the Congo, they speak only French.
Josephine:
Really?
Senior Ed Bloom:
You're lucky to get four words out of them in English, but if you were to walk through the jungle, you'd hear them speaking the most elaborate French. Those parrots talk about everything. Politics, movies, fashion. Everything but religion.
Will Bloom:
Why not religion, Dad?
Senior Ed Bloom:
It's rude to talk about religion. You never know who you're gonna offend.
Will Bloom:
Josephine actually went to the Congo last year.
Senior Ed Bloom:
Oh, so you know.


Amos Calloway:
Tell me, Karl, have you ever heard the term "involuntary servitude"?
Karl:
No.
Amos Calloway:
"Unconscionable contract"?
Karl:
Uh, nope.
Amos Calloway:
Great!


Young Ed Bloom:
I just saw the woman I'm going to marry. I know it. But I lost her.
Amos Calloway:
Oh, tough break. Well, most men have to get married *before* they lose their wives.
Young Ed Bloom:
I'm gonna spend every day for the rest of my life looking for her. That, or die alone!
Amos Calloway:
Damn, kid. Lemme guess. Real pretty? Reddish-blondish hair? Blue dress?
Young Ed Bloom:
Yeah!
Amos Calloway:
I know her uncle. Friends of the family.
Young Ed Bloom:
Who is she? Where does she live?
Amos Calloway:
Forget it kid, don't waste your time. She's out of your league.
Young Ed Bloom:
What do you mean? You don't even know me.
Amos Calloway:
Sure I do! You were hot shit back in Hickville, but here in the real world, you got squat! You don't have a plan, you don't have a job, you don't have anything except the clothes on your back.


Will Bloom:
You know about icebergs, dad?
Senior Ed Bloom:
Do I? I saw an iceberg once. They were hauling it down to Texas for drinking water. They didn't count on there being an elephant frozen inside. The wooly kind. A mammoth.
Will Bloom:
Dad!
Senior Ed Bloom:
What?
Will Bloom:
I'm trying to make a metaphor here.
Senior Ed Bloom:
Well you shouldn't have started with a question, because most people want to answer questions. You should've started with "the thing about icebergs is."


Young Ed Bloom:
Now I may not have much, but I have more determination then any man you're ever likely to meet.


Will Bloom:
I know better than to argue romance with a French woman.


Senior Ed Bloom:
I've been nothin' but myself since the day I was born, and if you can't see that it's your failin', not mine.


Will Bloom:
We have to take Glenville to avoid the church traffic because the damn church people drive too slow.