Michael:
Ken, that truck's not gonna make it to Fort Pastor.
Steve:
No, forget the truck. That place is fucked, man. Bloodbath city.
Kenneth:
How do you know?
Norma:
We just came from there.
Kenneth:
Is everyone there dead?
Steve:
Well, dead-ish.
Kenneth:
[more firm tone] Is everyone there dead?
Steve:
Yeah, in the sense that they all sort of, uh... fell down... and then got up... and started eating each other.


Michael:
So what's the plan?
CJ:
The plan is you drink a nice tall glass of Shut The Fuck Up!


Michael:
Look, there's no point in arguing about this, all right? We need a solution. We need... we need to get some food over there.
Steve:
Yeah, OK, I have an idea. We draw straws and the loser runs across the lot with a ham sandwich.
Ana:
Could you be a bigger prick?
Steve:
You know, I think I could, but that's irrelevant. My question to you is, what's your plan?


[his last line]
CJ:
Fucking figures!


Steve:
It's nice to see that you've all bonded through this disaster.


Televangelist:
Hell is overflowing, and Satan is sending his dead to us. Why? Because, you have sex out of wedlock, you kill unborn children, you have man on man relations, same sex marriage. How do you think your God will judge you? Well friends, now we know. When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth.


Confused Reporter:
I understand you're having a difficult time killing these things, Sheriff.
The County Sheriff:
Just shoot them in the head! They seem to go down permanently if you shoot them in the head. Then, you gotta burn them!


Bart:
Look, he's a "twitcher".
[CJ and Terry watch the twitching zombiefied security guard]
Bart:
TV says you gotta shoot 'em in the head.
Terry:
TV said a lot of things that aren't true.
CJ:
Fuck the fucker. I told him not go to downstairs.
[CJ shoots the zombiefied security guard in head]


Andy:
[Kenneth is about to leave the mall, when he spots Andy on the roof, holding his sign] INFO?
Kenneth:
[writing back] Fort Pastor GONE. No help coming.
Andy:
[writing back] So what's the BAD news?


CJ:
[after everyone enters an elevator to escape the zombies] Hey... I like this song.


Steve:
[playing "Hollywood Squares" with Andy] Ooh! Ooh! Um... Rosie O'Donnell! Tell him to get Rosie!
Kenneth:
Ooh, yeah! Rosie!
Tucker:
Nah, too easy! Give 'em something hard.
Ana:
You guys had really rough childhoods, didn't you? Little bit rocky?
Steve:
Hey, sweetheart, let me tell you something. You, uh, you have my permission, I ever turn into one of those things... do me a favor, blow my fuckin' head off.
Ana:
[nods] Oh, yeah, you can count on that!


Andre:
[Deleted scene]
[to Michael]
Andre:
Hey, my man... I hear you talkin' a lot, you know, you're always sayin' something... Who the fuck are you, that we should listen? Were you, like, in a special ops unit in the marines? What the fuck do you do?
Michael:
I sell televisions at Best Buy.
Andre:
[to Kenneth] Hey, officer! How do you like following a guy that sells TVs?
Kenneth:
About as much as I like following a guy who steals them. I'm not following anyone.