Lester Burnham:
You don't get to tell me what to do ever again.


Colonel Frank Fitts:
Where did you get that?
Ricky Fitts:
From my job.
Colonel Frank Fitts:
Don't lie to me. Now, I saw you with him.
Ricky Fitts:
You were watching me?
Colonel Frank Fitts:
What did he make you do?
Ricky Fitts:
Oh, Dad, you don't really think that me and Mr. Burnham were...
Colonel Frank Fitts:
Don't you laugh at me. Now, I will not sit back and watch my only son become a cock-sucker!
Ricky Fitts:
Jesus, what is it with you?
Colonel Frank Fitts:
I swear to God, I will throw you out of the house and never look at you again!
Ricky Fitts:
You mean that?
Colonel Frank Fitts:
You're damn straight I do. I'd rather you were dead than be a fuckin' faggot.
Ricky Fitts:
You're right. I suck dick for money.
Colonel Frank Fitts:
Boy, don't start.
Ricky Fitts:
Two thousand dollars - I'm that good.
Colonel Frank Fitts:
Get out!
Ricky Fitts:
And you should see me fuck. I'm the best piece of ass in three States.
Colonel Frank Fitts:
Get out. I don't ever want to see you again!
Ricky Fitts:
What a sad old man you are.


Carolyn Burnham:
Are you trying to look unattractive?
Jane Burnham:
Yes.
Carolyn Burnham:
Well, congratulations. You've succeeded admirably.


Ricky Fitts:
I'm not obsessing. I'm just curious.


Carolyn Burnham:
Uh, whose car is that out front?
Lester Burnham:
Mine. 1970 Pontiac Firebird. The car I've always wanted and now I have it. I rule!


Carolyn Burnham:
This is a $4,000 sofa, upholstered in Italian silk. It is not just a couch.
Lester Burnham:
[shouts] It's just a couch!


Lester Burnham:
Smile! You're at Mr. Smiley's.


[Lester has just caught Caroline cheating with the Real Estate King]
Carolyn Burnham:
Uh, Buddy, this is my...
Lester Burnham:
Her husband. We've met before, but something tells me you're going to remember me this time.


Angela Hayes:
This is my first time.


[Carolyn is introducing Lester to the Real Estate King]
Carolyn Burnham:
My husband, Lester.
Buddy Kane:
It's a pleasure.
Lester Burnham:
Oh, we've met before, actually. This thing last year, Christmas at the Sheraton...
Buddy Kane:
[pretends to remember] Oh yeah, yes...
Lester Burnham:
It's OK, I wouldn't remember me either.
Carolyn Burnham:
[laughs nervously] Honey, don't be weird.
Lester Burnham:
OK honey, I won't be weird. I'll be whatever what you want me to be.
[Lester kisses Carolyn wildly, then looks at the Real Estate King]
Lester Burnham:
We have a very healthy relationship.
Buddy Kane:
I see.
Lester Burnham:
Well, don't know about you guys, but I need a drink.


Lester Burnham:
I figured you guys might be able to give me some pointers. I need to shape up. Fast.
Jim Olmeyer:
Are you just looking to lose weight, or do you want increased strength and flexibility as well?
Lester Burnham:
I want to look good naked!


Brad Dupree:
[reading Lester's job description] "My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble Hell." Well, you have absolutely no interest in saving yourself.
Lester Burnham:
Brad, for 14 years I've been a whore for the advertising industry. The only way I could save myself now is if I start firebombing.