Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
I met Bela Lugosi.
Dolores Fuller:
Why, I thought he was dead.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
No, he's very much alive. Well, sort of.


Bela Lugosi:
The women... The women prefer the traditional monsters.


[Bela Lugosi casts a love spell on Vampira who is on TV while moving his fingers like Dracula]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
My Gosh, Bela, how do you do that?
Bela Lugosi:
You must be double-jointed. And you must be Hungarian.


Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Boy, Mr. Lugosi, you must lead such an exciting life! When is your next picture coming out?
Bela Lugosi:
I have no next picture.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
You gotta be joking, a great star like you? You must have dozens of them lined up!
Bela Lugosi:
Back in the old days, yes... Now, no one gives two fucks for Bela.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
But you're a big star!
Bela Lugosi:
No more. I haven't worked in four years. This business, this town, it chews you up, then spits you out.
[pauses]
Bela Lugosi:
I'm just an ex-boogeyman.


Bela Lugosi:
They don't want the classic horror films anymore. Today it's all giant bugs. Giant spiders, giant grasshoppers... Who will believe such nonsense?


[Bela Lugosi answers the door on Halloween night wearing his Dracula costume]
Children:
Trick or treat!
[At the sight of Dracula, all but one little boy scream and run away]
Bela Lugosi:
Aren't you scared, little boy? I'm going to drink your blood!
Little boy:
You're not a real vampire. Those teeth don't frighten me.
[Bela looks puzzled. Ed Wood appears next to him in the doorway]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
How 'bout these?
[Pulls out his entire row of front teeth]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
[Little boy screams and runs away]
Bela Lugosi:
Hey... How d'you do that?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Dentures!
[Holds them up]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Lost my pearlies in the war!


Georgie Weiss:
Why would Lugosi wanna do a sex-change flick?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Because he's my friend!


[On the phone, agitated]
Georgie Weiss:
Look, look, look, when I said that you could have the western territories, I didn't mean all 11 states! I meant California, Oregon, and, uh, what's that one on top...
[Looks at map]
Georgie Weiss:
Washington! Yeah, yeah. Oh, really? Well, *screw you*!
[to Ed Wood, indifferently]
Georgie Weiss:
Hi, can I help ya?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Yes, I'm Ed Wood, I'm here about directing the Christine Jorgensen picture.
Georgie Weiss:
Well, a couple of things have changed. It ain't gonna be the Christine Jorgensen story no more. Goddamn Variety had to print the story before I got the rights. Now that bitch is asking for the sky.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Aw, you're not gonna make the movie...
Georgie Weiss:
No! 'Course I'm gonna make the picture! I already presold Alabama and Oklahoma. Those repressed Okies, they go for that twisted, perverted stuff. We'll just do it without the she-male. We'll fictionalize it.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Is there a script?
Georgie Weiss:
Fuck no! But, there's a poster!
[Holds up poster that reads "I Changed My Sex"]
Georgie Weiss:
It opens in 9 weeks in Tulsa.


Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
My girlfriend still doesn't know why her sweaters are always stretched out.


Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
This story's gonna grab people. It's about this guy, he's crazy about this girl, but he likes to wear dresses. Should he tell her? Should he not tell her? He's torn, Georgie. This is drama.


Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Listen, I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime, grab some dinner, maybe?
Vampira:
You mean a date? I thought you were a fag.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
No, no, I'm just a transvestite.


Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
I like to dress in women's clothing.
Georgie Weiss:
You're a fruit?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
No, not at all. I love women. Wearing their clothes makes me feel closer to them.
Georgie Weiss:
You're not a fruit?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
No, I'm all man. I even fought in W.W.2. Of course, I was wearing women's undergarments under my uniform.