Jay:
Yo man, tell me something about me.
Rufus:
You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
Jay:
Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
Rufus:
When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
[a shocked Silent Bob stares at Jay]
Jay:
Dude, not all the time.


Bartleby:
Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judged guilty of sinning against our almighty God, and I promise you, you shall pay for your trespasses, in blood!
[he rips open his shirt to reveal a silver breastplate]
Bartleby:
Wings, now.
Loki:
I'm feeling a little exposed here...
Bartleby:
DO IT!


Jay:
I know they were just kids, but we kicked their pube-less asses!


Bartleby:
"I do believe in this." What does that mean?


Azrael:
Get me a... Holy Bartender.
Bartender:
Never heard of it.
Azrael:
Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?
Serendipity:
Don't...
Azrael:
Ahh, anybody? No?
[Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads]
Azrael:
Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender...
[Azrael pulls out an uzi, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically]
Azrael:
Get it?
Serendipity:
[restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared] Sweet Jesus, Azrael why?
Rufus:
Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!
Azrael:
Now, now, apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you.
[referring to Bethany]
Jay:
[face lights up] Oh... wait. I get it. Holy Bartender! Ha, ha, ha!


Metatron:
Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now.


Metatron:
Wax on, wax off.


Metatron:
I am to charge you with a holy crusade.
Bethany:
For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.
Metatron:
Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey, and visit a small church on a very important day.
Bethany:
New Jersey? That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.
Metatron:
Aside from the fine print, that's it.
Bethany:
What's the fine print?
Metatron:
[mumbling into glass] Stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence.
Bethany:
Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
Metatron:
Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. I hate when people need it spelled out for them.


Jay:
What the shit is that?


Rufus:
He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars, bigotry, televangelism. But especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it.
Bethany:
Having beliefs isn't good?
Rufus:
I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't generate. Life becomes stagnant.


Gun Salesman:
We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on.
Loki:
Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that Wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this...
Bartleby:
Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like.
Loki:
Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah, I had to do all the work.
Bartleby:
What work did you do? You lit a few fires.
Loki:
I rained down sulphur, man, there's a subtle difference.
Bartleby:
Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
Loki:
Hey, you know, fuck you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, outside of soccer.


Bethany:
McHenry is pretty far from Jersey, might I ask what brings you guys to Illinois?
Jay:
Some fuck named John Hughes.
Bethany:
"16 Candles" John Hughes?
Jay:
You know him too? That fucking guy. Made this flick "16 Candles" right? Not bad it's got tits in it, but no bush. Of course Ebert over here don't give a shit about that stuff cause he's all in love with this John Hughes guy and rents every one of his movies. Fucking "Breakfast Club" all these stupid kids actually show up to detention, fucking "Weird Science" where this one chick wants to take off her gear and get down, but aw, no she don't cause it's a PG movie, and then there's "Pretty In Pink" which I can't watch with this tubby muthafucker any more, because everytime we get to the part where the red head hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little eight-year-old with a skinned knee and shit. And nothing is worse then watching a fat man weep.